Your Mean Girls Lunch Map Awaits

    lunch map

            So you know when Janice Ian makes a map of her high school cafeteria to give to Cady so she knows where to sit? Well, college is similar to that, but not necessarily as clique-y. As in, nobody really cares who sits where.

But we all sit together and we all hang around with certain people. So, instead of a lunch map, this is more of a campus map where college has been laid out in multiple lakes that spill out into multiple, miniature sub-ponds. I hope you college kids enjoy this

  1. Basic People: Please don’t be offended when I say how true this is. I know a majority of any university may not be sorority girls or fraternity boys, but let’s get this straight: they are the easiest to point out on campus. These people remind me a lot of high school, where girls would move in mobs in the hallways and guys would punch each other playfully and jokingly.

basicsYou see, every fraternity and sorority has their reputation: lower-tiered, upper-tiered, mean, hot, etc. During rush week, girls and boys try to get into these upper-tiered sororities and fraternities with the best reputations; it’s like going to high school and trying to fit in with the most popular crowd.

I thought I left high school to avoid that shit.

But, nevertheless, don’t be offended. Not everyone’s goal is to get into the upper-tiered sororities. Then again, some people believe that they don’t want to “pay someone to have friends”. That’s a subjective statement, though.

You see your basics walking around all over the place, though. The girls where their leggings and their over-sized sorority or fraternity tee-shirts that they got at a date night or social. So, basically free advertisement for the sorority/fraternity. Oh, and when I say oversized, I mean long tee-shirts. A lot of these girls don’t like to wear plain large tee-shirts because it makes their arms and boobs look too big. If you have a long tee-shirt, you can get away with leggings and still look thin.

Your basic fraternity boys move in mobs. Or they’ll come up to you, shake your hand, and right after they introduce themselves, they’ll tell you what fraternity they’re in. Obviously, because you just have to know 😉

  1. Overachievers Who Don’t Eat: These are not your basic nerds in high school. As a matter of fact, these are the kids who either had their shit together already or realize they need to get their shit together now. They like to get to class 20-30 minutes early, even if the class consists of 10 people.

Oh, and remember, partiers aren’t the only ones who stay up late. And honors students people who study too harddefinitely does not equal overachievers.

Go to the student center or a study room at 2 in the morning, and I can guarantee that these kids will be there, their noses buried in a textbook. If you’re at an ivy league, I’m sure almost everyone will be there. The library is the best place to look for these people; none of them want to leave because they’re too worried that if they do, some other nerd is going to steal their table.

Now, wouldn’t that be absolutely horrible?

  1. People Who Don’t Like People/People Who Are Too Hangover to Care about People: Either way, I guarantee that 95% of these people have alcohol or drugs in their dorm. Either you drink to drown yourself in your feelings and depression about how much pressure is on you and how much coarse work you have to do or you drink because what else do you have to do? You’re stuck in a dorm room.

Let’s remember that the bars aren’t open during the day. And let’s also remember that 200310923-001maybe at least 50% of students are actually attending class, so there are no house parties.

Obviously, there’s the option of partying by yourself. And, obviously, there’s the option of not talking to anyone.

Both of these types of students are exact opposites, but they both have one thing in common: they don’t leave their rooms other than to attend class or to drink. Or smoke.

Either way, you won’t usually interact with these people unless you’re in the Honors College, you go out in the night scene on the occasion, or you’re roommates with them.


  1. People Who Are Desperate for Attention: I agree that the quad is beautiful, especially when it’s sunny outside, but I draw the line when you start playing Ultimate Frisbee in the dark.

What are you doing with yourself? I don’t understand.

warner playing footballBut, these people are always on the quad or some patch of grass behind a building. And, if they’re not, they’re outside somewhere. I also have a theory that at least 70% of these people smoke weed behind a bush in a vacant parking lot.

I mean, you can’t smoke inside.

Then again, you’ve got the same people grabbing other random people off the sidewalk and begging them to come play a game with you because it takes more than one person to play soccer.

These are also the people who desperately want physical attention. What better place to show off your muscles other than a central area where everyone will see you? Not everyone goes to the gym. And, it’s perfectly acceptable to rip off your shirt and show the girls how good you are at throwing a Frisbee across ten feet. And obviously, so “discretely”.

Uh-huh. Nice try. You don’t fool me.

  1. People Who Don’t Need School: These aren’t the people you think: the party-goers and the hangover-ers. These are your athletes who don’t have to pay as much shit as you do to attend the same exact school. And the best part is that they don’t even have to actually be attending classes.

I mean, they have to be, technically. But it doesn’t mean that they do. And they get awaytypes-of-people-in-gym-300-2 with it much more frequently than you do, probably. At my school, they even provided mopeds for athletes.

I kind of want a moped too.

These people are always at the gym. They like to egg each other on as they work out. Hint: never work out next to them. You’ll look like a wimp.

You’ll also never see these kids at night. They work out during your class hours or at four in the morning.

And I don’t mean the kids on the recreational teams or club activities. Those kids still need school.

But if you’re on track to go to the NFL or the Olympics, you probably don’t think you need school. So you stay at the gym. Building muscles.

And, damn, those muscles look good.

  1. People Who Only Eat: You probably go to the dining halls most when you’re a freshman, and I don’t see many people in the dining halls who aren’t freshmen.

Well, there’s this excuse called “The Dining Halls Help Me Study Better”.

Yeah, so does the buffet line.

Freshman-15Remember those kids who used to go to high school with you? Have you seen them recently? If you haven’t, you may want to double check how they look.

Your mom isn’t here to tell you to stop eating. If you had the option between a salad and a burger, which would you choose? And if you had the opportunity to eat three deserts for lunch, who’s going to stop you?

I think every person goes through this problem unless you’re anorexic and don’t eat at all. But, the Freshman 15 Express holds a very special place in the heart of the dining room. They’re always sitting at the same exact table, and if you steal their spot, they may hunt you down. And, they don’t leave the dining halls to walk around and get exercise since they don’t want to lose their special prime spot next to the ice cream table.

Oh, boy, do these people look very different. Maybe they gain a little bit more than 15 pounds.


  1. People Who Have Nothing to Do: If these people are annoying, then stay away from them. Trust me. These are the people who desperately want friends, so they’ll grab anyone they meet coming by in the lobby and unwillingly entice them in a conversation.

This is when your inner bitch needs to come out. Tell them no. Strike it down. It’s okay forOC-Hall-Lupe-1 the first couple times, but if you don’t want to talk to them, just say so.

These kids are always in the dorm lobbies, reading a book, playing their guitar, banging on the piano, etc. They always have a couple people around them, their previous victims that they tie down because they have nothing better to do.

Stay away. Hide. Do something. It’s one thing to be social, but it’s another to be down-right obnoxious.


  1. People Who Puke Every Night: Their nights don’t start until around 11 o’clock when they’ll all go downtown or to a house party. Now, a normal person would ask “Why do they go out every night?”

The most common response is, “Well, um, college?”

drunk1_1The actual response is, “I have nothing better to do other than to study which is exactly what I plan on not doing.”

Whoo! College!

Then, they don’t come back until maybe two in the morning, and the only reason why they’re coming back is because that’s when the bars close.

You’ll be able to identify these people easily. Some of them will have difficulties walking at one o’clock in the afternoon and be tripping on each crack in the sidewalk. Some of them will always be wearing sunglasses and have their heads down with their faces looking absolutely miserable. Some of them will be in the back of your lecture hall sleeping and trying to get away with it. Some of them will be late to class. Some of them may have STD’s because they’re too unconscious to realize they’re not having safe sex. And some of them may be already arrested.

Easy. Trust me. Be safe. Don’t be dumb.


But, remember, also that I didn’t cover everyone and that’s because a lot of us college kids actually belong to multiple categories. The funniest thing is if you try to classify yourself, you’re probably not going to classify yourself right.

Have I gotten you high school seniors excited for college? Am I accurate? Or at least close to accurate? What do you think? Comment!

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