5 Ways to Fail Your Finals

So it’s hell week. Again. Whoo! The next week may be consisting of a LOT of poetry as I try to file as much information away as I can in my head. Yet, as I sit here in the library, I’m watching all these people stress out around me. Writing on boards all these math equations. Flipping through stacks and stacks of notecards. Or just watching the latest sports game on their laptop screens. Because obviously that’s why we spend so much money buying computers in the first place. Or paying for college.stress-2

Guess again, dudes. Maybe you should’ve learned how to manage your time before the day prior to your finals. There are multiple heads sitting around me, trying to cram all their books into their brains by laying their textbooks on top of their heads. Yup. That’s the best way to learn.

And, yet, as I sit here, I am learning how to fail my finals as each minute ticks by.

1. Skip your classes. There’s nothing better than spending four months to sleep on your bed, which is probably bunked and requires you to climb down a ladder to even go to the bathroom. So you snooze your alarm. And then you wake up, eventually. But you sit in that bed for HOURS, trying to will yourself to get up only to find that when your feet do touch the ground, your class was over two hours ago.

I mean, no big deal right? It was just one class. I’m not wasting that much of my parent’s money or my money, for that matter. I’ll just get the notes from somebody else.

Only to find out that nobody wants to give me their notes. And if they do, they’re shitty. So I’ve got to go back, read the chapter twice, and then beg my professor to give me some notes. Sound grand?

2. Put the “Pro” in Procrastination. This is the best part. Waiting until the last minute to study. Or better yet, waiting until the day before to study for your finals. You know that test? The one that covers four months of material. And you plan to cram that into 24 hours of studying?

Not to mention that you’ve got more than one finals. Oh wait…you’ve got five finals. So you really want to try reading five textbooks, memorize all 2,000 vocabulary words, and attempt to pass with an A in the class?

Go for it, bud. Because the real pro is the one who isn’t procrastinating. I don’t get why people brag about procrastinating since it’s only code for that you are lazy, hungover, or just being plain dumb. Busy isn’t a substitution for procrastination.

3. Netflix Binge-Watching. That new show came on Netflix! What’s it called again? Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt? Well, I can’t turn it off! Not to mention that I’m still in the middle of watching “Friends,” “Criminal Minds,” “How I Met Your Mother,” and “Scandal.” How can I do it ALL? Maybe…I should just use the time studying to watch my shows. Obviously, they’re going to up my happy factor a lot more than my finals will. I won’t be stressed. I won’t be unhappy, obviously because I’m doing what I want.

I mean, YOLO.

4. “Reading Day” = Sleep In Until Noon Day. So there’s this day called “Reading Day.” It’s right before finals and this is the day the university offers us no classes. Probably because they know we’re so stressed from not going to class and drinking all the time.

So every semester, they’re being super nice to allow me to not skip class, but to just not go and instead sleep so I can get my beauty rest for that final I may not show up to or am definitely going to fail tomorrow. But don’t worry. I get the point that “Reading Day” is to read my textbooks. But I’ll get to that at noon.

And then I’ll stay up late tonight. After all, I’ve got 24 hours to do that. It’s not like I have to be awake for my final tomorrow or anything.

5. Allow the stress to pile up at the end. Like I said, I put the PRO in Procrastination. Give it all to me. I would give up anything to be happy for four months and to suffer through two weeks of pain and stress rather than spreading out my time like a smart person would.

Oh, and here’s the best excuse: I do better on my tests when I cram everything in right before it. That way it’s fresh in my brain, despite the fact that I’m going to forget it right afterwards. I mean, isn’t that the true purpose of school? To memorize and forget?

Wait…we come to school to learn? This information is actually supposed to be with us for the rest of our lives?

Yes, indeed.


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