Okay: this is for all you girls out there, but let’s be real here. The guys needs to be paying attention, too, because there are some rules that you should follow, as well. Well, maybe not rules, per se. More like morals. Nobody told you that you can’t do certain things when it comes to relationships and friendships, but there is a certain social standard that is held nowadays.
This is somewhat inspired by another post I saw, but I had already done half of the post when I read it, so I decided to go ahead an finish it.
Yes, I’m all about individualism and it doesn’t really matter what society thinks of you. However, it does matter what you think of yourself. If you think you would get mad if your boyfriend cheated on you with your best friend…THEN DON’T DO IT! It’s called hypocrisy. It’s also called trying to keep your friends as friends, not turn them into enemies, by keeping the drama from getting out of control. Because they’re not rules, it seems as if a lot of people don’t really know them unless they’ve experienced the code with their friends. Which is partially why I’m writing this.
These are codes, but these are also rules. Social rules. Well, if you want to keep your girlfriends.
So why is there a girl code? Some boys may be asking this right now, but it’s honestly just like having the guy code. Or anyone for that matter. We all want and deserve respect. So give it to them.
Rule #1: Be careful when you want to date your friend’s ex. Congratulations. You have fallen for your best friend’s ex-boyfriend. Which is probably one of the worst things that could ever happen to you in your love life. Don’t worry: you’re not alone. It happens to the best of us, seriously. You’re probably wondering why you out of all the girls in the world would have to fall for the one guy that you do not want to date for obvious reasons. No matter how perfect his biceps are or how sweet his personality is. He hasn’t done anything to you, so why shouldn’t you date him? He’s just been perfectly nice.
Well, back up for a second. Obviously, something went wrong between him and your best friend. I’m not saying it was his fault, but it’s definitely an option to consider. So, before you even start dating this guy, you should talk to your friend first and tell her how you feel. Of course, she’s going to be a little salty (or very salty, if they were serious), but she will appreciate that you told her, even if she doesn’t admit it. She’d rather you tell her that you liked her ex than go ahead and start dating him without considering how she feels. This shows that you do value your friendship with her, and it doesn’t really impact how the guy feels. If she says you’re not allowed to date him, personally, I wouldn’t follow her orders: she’s not your mom. But, listen to her.
Rule #2: Yet, don’t ban your friends from dating your ex. Yeah, this is not okay. You’ve got to consider that if you’ve dated this guy for a long time, your friends probably got really close to him, too. I know: you probably can’t picture your ex with anyone else, because it’s too weird, especially if that somebody else is your best friend.
But, here’s the thing: we can’t choose the people who we fall for. Like many other girls, I’d like to fall for the cute, rich boy who is also intelligent, considerate, patient, kind, etc. But there is a limited supply of these boys and we can’t all have them. As a matter of fact, not all of them are really meant for us and we’re not really meant for them. I’m not saying that we all have soul mates, but it’s true if personalities don’t work together when dating.
So when you ban your friends from dating your ex, you do need to consider that they didn’t choose to have these feelings for your ex. Feelings are feelings. You don’t really choose them.
Yes, that sort of puts you in this awkward situation where your hands are tied. You want to do something, but you just can’t. And if you do, you’re going to look and feel like the silliest, most embarrassed girl out there. In the process, you may lose a friend, as well, for a very immature reason.
Regardless, be honest with your friend. If she doesn’t sit down with you and tell you how she feels about your ex, well, I don’t think she’s that great of a friend. She should be considering your feelings first, just out of respect. But, if she does sit down with you, BE HONEST. If you’re not over him, tell her that. The decision to date him or not is up to her, not you. Don’t tell her what to do, because you are not her. You do not own her. So don’t make her feel like that or ashamed.
Rule #3: If you know you and your friend like the same boy or girl, don’t pursue it. It’s hard. I know. But, let me start telling you something that happened to me this year. I was crushing on this one boy pretty hard for a couple months, and he was reciprocating. As a person who doesn’t like physically showing my feelings very often, I wasn’t very obvious about it. Or maybe he just couldn’t read signs very well, because he stopped reciprocating. My best friend also liked him, but when she talked about him in front of me, all I could do was sit there. When I found out she liked him, I didn’t go after him, knowing that it could ruin our friendship. This guy wasn’t worth that much trouble.
That didn’t work either, because then she asked me if I liked him. When I timidly nodded, she told me okay and that she knew it all along. The next thing I knew, I walked in on her making out with him. I literally felt my chest drop to the floor.
It was incredibly embarrassing. They broke up after a month, but since then, our friendship
hasn’t been the same. It’s extremely awkward. Whenever I walked by them in the dining halls, she didn’t say anything and he waved, but I had to look away just to keep from feeling that hurt again. It’s not like I was heart-broken, but it definitely didn’t feel good.
I backed off on him when I found out she liked him. Why couldn’t she?
Rule #4: It’s chicks before d*cks. Not the other way around. Remember that! Don’t let a boy get in the way of your friendship. This sort of goes back to rule #3. You both like the same guy: he’s cute, he’s charming, he’s confident, and so he’s irresistible. Things can become a little more complicated if he’s into only one of you, which is what may have happened in my case (I don’t know anymore), but the code still applies. Despite how this dude felt when I liked him, the situation ended badly. They broke up in a month.
It will end badly. Your friendship will most likely not last.
And I will back this up with 100% certainty: NO guy is worth a friendship. At the end of the day, there are other fish in the sea.
Rule #5: Don’t be a home-wrecker. Seriously, girls. You may not know the girl he’s dating, but at least be respectful and try not to get in the way of an already existing relationship. If you were the girl he was dating, would you want that to happen to you? Then again, don’t be over-protective when it come sto protecting him, because then he probably will run to another girl.
Here’s another story (sorry to rant, but it’s been a bad year in terms of dating and relationships). I met this one guy who had a girlfriend when I met him. He’s extremely attractive and I can see why his girlfriend was pretty hot. Let’s start off with this: the last thing I will do is home-wreck, because if I did, I would feel awful while dating this guy and then end it just because I would feel so freaking terrible.
This girlfriend was another story, however. She was extremely over-protective of him in a very subtle way. She ensured that she became best friends with any girl he met or was friends with, so that if her and this guy broke up, those girls wouldn’t date her because they would feel guilty if they did (remember rule #2, girls…). Right after meeting them, she would invite them over for sleepovers or hangouts so she could dump all her emotional baggage on them, making them feel as if they were her best friends and they could never break rule #1. She was smart…extremely, considering the fact that she was able to play this mind trick.
Yet, he broke up with her anyway, so all is fair, I guess.
Rule #6: If you fall for your best friend, tell her and be respectful of how she feels. Alright. This may not apply to all of you (hell, not all of these rules apply to you). Let me start with this: it is extremely difficult to be closeted. I know this, because I had a couple of friends who were and watched them struggle. Luckily enough, we live in a very liberal region, so it wasn’t that big of a deal when they did come out. When these girls came out, it was definitely not obvious, but they usually realized this based on how they felt about their friends.
It would definitely not be the first time for a girl to “experiment.” Like I said, I try my best not to judge, so I’m not going to. There’s nothing wrong with experimenting. But, if it felt more to you to the point where you may be gay or bisexual, please don’t keep it hidden. It could hurt, a lot. Tell someone who you trust.
If you fall for your best friend, and you want to tell her, then tell her. Be very careful about how you tell her, because it’s going to be a little awkward since this is a conversation she may not be expecting. If you are the best friend, this is just like a boy telling you that he likes you. It’s really not that different. However, when your best friend tells you that she doesn’t feel the same way about you, you have to respect that. Don’t force her to feel certain things. That’s rude.
Rule #7: If your friend’s boyfriend or girlfriend is a cheater, TELL HER. It’s going to hurt her, and this is why there are so many people out there who are cheaters and get away with it for a long time. To be completely honest, boys are not very good at keeping these sort of things hidden. They’re gonna flaunt their stuff, which means your friends probably would know if he’s a cheater. We girls have eyes everywhere.
So if you do know that he is cheating on your friend, tell her. It will crush her. You’re probably thinking, “How do I even start?” Well, just dive into it. Honestly. It’s just like ripping off a bandage. Don’t forget to put on the Neosporin, though. Make sure she knows that you’re there for her and you told her because you care about your friendship. Make sure she knows that you did this for her own good, and, soon enough, she will be so thankful that you didn’t let her waste any more time on her relationship.
Rule #8: Avoid telling lies. We always want to stir up some drama by telling a little white lie once in a while. Sometimes we think, “Who wants to be friends with a boring person like me?”
Well, you’re probably not as boring as you think you are. So don’t feel that way. It’s okay to tell a little white lie once in a while (because why should anyone know all your secrets; they’re secrets for a reason), but if you tell too many white lies, they become big lies. If you feel like you have to lie about having your first kiss just because all your friends already had their first kisses, push it back. They don’t need to know if you’ve had your first kiss. If they ask you, just tell them no. And if they keep pressing the question, just tell them to back off your shit just a little. It’s hard enough dealing with other types of peer pressure.
You don’t have to make up stories to stay in the “group.” People who want you to do that are seriously not worth your time. If you have to lie about drinking, just don’t participate in the conversation. If you have to lie about having a boyfriend, just don’t say anything. Embrace who you are. You don’t have to pretend to be someone you’re not just so your group will like you and not pick on your or exclude you. If they do that, they’re not worth it. Honestly, you would rather be single, happy, and away from them at the end of the day.
Rule #9: When she asks if her outfit looks good, be honest. Don’t lie to her and tell her that her outfit looks good, when it really makes her look fat. Each person is different when it comes to compliments, so I would just state facts to stay on the safe side. Personally, I prefer it when my friends are blunt to my face. If that dress makes me look fat, then it makes me look fat and I’m so glad that my friend told me before I went out in public like that. There’s a reason why we’re friends and why we shop together.
If you’re not like me or don’t know if your friend can take the harsh blow, state the facts, like I said. Tell her if there’s spinach in her teeth. Tell her if there’s toilet paper sticking out her pants. Tell her if she looks desperate when she talks to guys. Tell her if she’s seriously embarrassing herself when she grinds alone on the dance floor.
Because if you don’t tell her, then she can’t fix it. And if you do tell her, she might be a little hurt, but it will pass over EXTREMELY quickly because she’s going to be glad and she’s going to fix it. The best part is that you’re going to help her, because you’re a good friend. If she doesn’t agree with you, that’s also okay. She has her own opinions and they don’t have to be exactly the same as yours just because you’re besties.
Rule #10: Don’t be the bitch who talks about her friends behind their backs. Nobody likes the girl who talks about her best friends to her other best friends. If you are in a group that is extremely tight, secrets don’t exist between you girls and broken friendships and drama will only result. That’s the last thing you need. If you’re going to backtalk someone, it better be someone you seriously don’t like. And if you’re going to do that, don’t sound like a whiny bitch.
And if you don’t like a person, then don’t hang out with that person. It’s SO simple. If you were friends, but you realized you really don’t want to hang out with her that much anymore because you don’t like her, then just don’t hang out with her. You don’t have to go up to her and say, “We’re not friends anymore. I would really prefer that we don’t hang out anymore.” You’re not in middle school. I’m not saying to blow her off, but if you stop being around that person for a while, she will, hopefully, get the hint and back off, too.
Rule #11: If you need to tell a girl off, try not to do it in public. Respect. We all have reputations to uphold, whether they’re good or bad. I don’t know. But stay out of creating the drama. If you tell a girl off in public, you’re either damaging her reputation or yours. Or both. It will only backfire.
When a girl does something wrong, tell her to her face, but don’t be mean about it. If you’re being bullied, just walk away. Because after all, if you think this girl is mean and terrifying, chances are that everyone else thinks the same way. So you don’t need to scream your feelings at her in the middle of the streets if people already know the same thing you do.
Plus, it probably hurts to be told off in public. No matter how strong you think you are.
Rule #12: It’s seriously not okay to slut-shame her. “Slut shaming is when you make derogatory remarks about a woman’s sexual behavior,” according to Her Campus Bloggers Network. Read the short story, “That Girl in a Bar,” that I released a couple days ago, and you’ll get this: you do not know her, not matter how much you think you do. You seriously don’t know anyone besides yourself, even your best friend. She may tell you about herself, but I don’t know anyone who tells one person everything about themselves. So don’t pretend to tell people that you know her, because you don’t. Especially some random stranger who you call a slut.
Slut-shaming may be the least attractive quality a woman has, to be completely honest. Every time you look at a girl and slut-shame her without any means or reasoning to back that up, you should think about the times somebody has done that to you. And if you’re so shallow that you can’t think of one time that could have happened to you, try to step into this girl’s shoes. How would you feel if someone else, especially another woman, told you that you were a whore?
It’s labeling. That’s extremely disrespectful. When we do that as girls, we only give men the excuse to do so, too.
So, instead of accusing her of being a slut for wearing that short mini-skirt, applaud her. Applaud her for having the confidence to rock that skirt. Applaud her for feeling beautiful, because that’s a quality that most girls have trouble feeling. If you hear a rumor about her, ignore it, because, to be fair, that’s none of your business. Plus, it’s called a rumor for a reason.
Women should be building each other up, not tearing each other down.
Rule #13: Girls Night Out is fun, so look out for her. Especially when alcohol is involved, because things can get seriously out of hand. If a beefy guy comes up behind her and starts grinding on her, she may feel a little disgusted. Or not at all, because she’s drunk. Take her hand and pull her away, if that happens.
Never abandon a girl when you go out. Don’t leave her in a bar or on the side of the street, trying to find a cab without any money to pay for it. She could get assaulted, maybe even raped. Even if you don’t know her, make sure she gets back to her dorm room safely, and don’t leave her wandering the halls because you don’t know who may come by to get her into trouble or to convince her to do something that she doesn’t want to do.
If she’s thoroughly wasted, help her. Make sure she doesn’t drunk text her parents or any past exes. Make sure she doesn’t tumble into a fountain and scrape her knee or walk into the middle of the streets. Make sure she doesn’t go home with a random dude if she doesn’t want to.
We all want to have a good time, but we all still need to feel some safety from our girls.