I know it’s Humanity Tuesday, but this is way too important. Plus, we need to take a break – it’s time to talk college.
Before yesterday, I had a very narrow perception about certain things, one of them being schoolwork and grades. If somebody told me they withdrew or dropped a class, I judged them. As one of the most nonjudgmental people alive, this is quite uncommon, yet everything is uncommon when it involves school for me.
Normally, I consider myself to be fairly…“chill.” I’m way too respectful of other people’s opinions, which makes me an incredibly approachable person. However, when the grades are pulled out, I become the ugliest person to be around. Way too competitive. Way too determined and ambitious. In a way, that just makes me a great candidate for grad school or whatever weird competition comes along my way. But I become tenacious and Type A Me is back.
Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But I’ve always had this weird dichotomy: I’m very open in the real world, where it involves objective opinions and new/true explorations for ideas. Then I get back into my little cell called the study corner and I’m the close-minded, narrow work-hard/play-hard girl again.
However, something happened yesterday that sort of changed it all.
I used to be a Finance major. I told everyone I was for the past two years. Why? Well, there was really no reason why I was a Finance major other than the fact that my mom told me to do it since I had no other plans for my life. Then things started to change – I got a lot more interested in one subject (that has absolutely nothing to do with business) and I began to question what I really wanted to do.
Because I am ALL work-hard/play-hard, I have this mentality that I can accomplish or ace anything that I set my mind to. I honestly believed this way true until very recently (as in within the past 24 hours) where I realized that nobody is THAT perfect. That’s ridiculous to think you’re good at everything if you just tried. Maybe for a robot where you have every expert in the world programming it…but we’re human. Part of being human is changing and part of being human is imperfection.
And that’s okay.
After vomiting from anxiety and panic attacks for the first time in my entire life, I withdrew from my Finance course. For some people, this seems incredibly trivial, but you have to understand what perspective I’m coming from first. I used to think this was the ULTIMATE failure, where a person basically just gave up because he or she didn’t want to work hard enough to ace the class. However, none of that freaking matters when you’re not…well, happy.
I realized that if I stuck with this major, I’d probably be vomiting and panicking before EVERY test for the next two to three years, which is not something you should ever ask anyone to do. When I told my professor I was withdrawing, he got angry because I was still doing better than the average in the class. But never have I ever felt so shitty about myself until this class. My grades were not up to par with my satisfaction, which is really all that matters in the long-run if you’re the one paying for your education and you’re the one making your own decisions.
I went against what I believed in. Surprisingly enough though, I feel amazing. I’m no longer sad and stressed to the point where I want to stop everything – nobody should have to feel like that.
And I realize how trivial it is to change my major or to simply just withdraw from a class. But it takes courage to do things like this. I realized that when I thought about my friends who are climbing much bigger hills and fighting much bigger battles. People who are finding themselves through a religion that is not supported by their family. People who struggle to figure out how they’re going to get a good-paying job with making them feel like they’re worthless.
So my heart goes out to all of you. No matter how much we’re struggling, we’ll find a solution. I feel a little uncertain right now about the direction and path I’m going down, but, nevertheless, I feel SO much happier. I’ve never acted on my feelings before…this is a little strange, right now. But in a good way…and sometimes we have to make those emotional decisions, which is a risk that we’ve got to be willing to take.