I have no idea. I don’t know the answer to this question. But I do know how it feels to finally get something right and then get it all wrong.
I don’t know about you, but I always feel like something is going to happen that is going to be bad. Someone once told me that the world isn’t perfect, far from perfect as a matter of fact. There are flaws in this world and it sucks to have them, but you can never prevent flaws because that’s just the nature of the universe. Do you know that feeling though? There’s one day where everything is perfect: you haven’t gotten in trouble, you haven’t cried or felt sad, just perfectly happy.
Maybe more than perfect, possibly? You’ve worked hard to accomplish something and all your hard work paid off with a grandeur of an award. And when you’ve received your prize, it feels good, better than perfect, because it wasn’t chance that gave you the glory: it was you.
Then, however, only a few hours after, something will go wrong: your prize was a joke or your prize has been cancelled and accidentally given to the wrong person or your prize wasn’t even as big as you thought it was. Your prize wasn’t as great as it seemed to be when you won it, and your hopes suddenly drop to the ground like a heavy-weighted boulder.
And then it feels like the whole day’s worth of work just crumbled into nothingness, like it didn’t even matter how happy we were. How happy and blissful we felt when everything was more than perfect. How that happiness is suddenly disregarded because suddenly a dark cloud has consumed the sky.
You might be like me: I’m hard on myself, and I will admit I am sometimes too hard on myself. When something goes right or when something goes my way, I prepare myself for something to go wrong and something will be taken away from me. Or you might be like me in this way: I feel darkness much more strongly than joy.
I cry more than I smile. I am alone more than I am with people. And it might be my surroundings that cause me to feel darkness much more strongly. I haven’t laughed in years. Not truly laughed. I haven’t found something that’s made me laugh so hard that tears come to my eyes in joy and ecstasy and my stomach hurts when I bend over and roll onto the ground. I can’t even remember the last time that happened to me.
Don’t suggest drugs to me: they make you happy and dizzy and excited wherever you are. But I’d rather not live that fantasy, and I want to grow up out of that fictional tale, even though I don’t know if I’m even ready for the adult world.
I was thinking a lot today, though. You know those people you see walking around who don’t have a single bone of sadness in their body? Have you ever wondered if they cry when nobody is watching? I was jealous of those people. I wish I could have so many friends who loved me as much as I could love myself and I wish I could laugh all the time and still be able to make sure everything went my way.
But wishing never helped and I know it never will. So in answer to the title’s question again, I don’t really know. Everything could be as bad as they seem, yet it doesn’t have to be. My point of view should never be shared, to be honest: I’d rather not spread that pitch, black, cold heart around the fire. But I want to spread some experience, some wisdom, in hope that somebody will understand.